I think the most interesting thing about my psychic true story BEDEVILED - The Strange Life and Death of Actor Tom O'Rourke is that it reveals how intimately our human psyche, spirit, soul and fleshly selves are connected. Our minds shape our spirit's capabilities while we are living in this world as flesh as well as our afterlife experiences. I was married for 35 years and thought I knew my husband very well, and yet when he crossed over the picture of his life that he showed me in dreams and which was later had confirmed by famous psychic Pam Coronado turned out something completely unrecognizable. The actual empirical facts of his life were entirely at odds with his psyche's perception of that life, and yet the imprint he left is this world was the one from his emotional reality.
This great disparity has led me to believe that our human psychology and understanding of who we are is an essential and primal force acting upon the universe. Tom's spirit was trapped in a faulty personality which inhibited him from actually perceiving truthfully the realities of his life.  His mentally distorted picture was all his spirit could express in his life and all that was left here when he crossed over.  
Long before I knew anything about the psychic world of the spirit, I was having dreams that sometimes seemed memorable and impressed my mind in a very different way than normal. Having been in therapy with a psychiatrist Dr. Pizitz who was very good at analyzing dreams for the purpose of understanding emotions, I often noted powerful dreams in an attempt to figure out what problem in my life might be upsetting me. But that was my only interest in dreams.
One night, after having been married to Tom for about ten years, I had one of those memorable dreams. It was brief, but very emotionally powerful and unforgettable. I dreamed that Tom and I were two black swans flying through a dark night in mirror like unison. At each lifting of our wings, our hearts and breath were in sync. At the time, I knew enough psychology to understand that the black color of the birds and the dark night setting indicated sensuality and the libido. According to Dr. Pizitz, as I recall, dark figures in dreams always represent unconscious forces, usually pleasure driven forces. 
Little did I suspect at the time or for years afterward the emotional and spiritual truth about my marriage which was being revealed to me by that dream; I thought it meant our two souls were joined. Then, when I began to have psychic experiences and to recognize some of their messages, I remembered that dream. Now, that Tom had passed over to the other side and told me the truth about his unfaithfulness, I understood the actual truth of that dream quite differently.
Tom and I may have been mated for life like swans, and we may have been in total harmony in our libidos, but that was our only true marriage.  When I say our libido, I don't only mean our sex life, although that is certainly a major part of it. But libido implies all kinds of pleasures. We shared so many physical and emotional pleasures together that it fooled me into thinking we were happily married. I was; Tom wasn't. Due to the physical and emotional abuse he endured during his childhood, Tom was only partly connected to his libido.

He had a second self, which I will discuss in the next post referencing Marilyn Van Derbur - A Survivor's Story . This second self led to disassociation and dissatisfaction, ending in the rejection of all happiness; he called this his depression. 
Tom was emotionally crippled in ways that he hid from me and most of his friends, so no one could help him. Even crippled, he was something of an overachiever. But his emotional problems cast a deep and deadening shadow over our life. In the world of soul and spirit, I wonder if I was ever truly married to him. When, at the end, he surrendered to love, it was more of a collapse than an embrace.
One of the saddest things in life is to see great potential that never gets to bloom. In previous generations, disease and so many other factors robbed people and the world of so much human joy and achievement. Today, mental illness can have almost the same effect. I was robbed of Tom's potential by a mental illness caused by his parents' immaturity and their own mental problems. 

One of the most striking lessons of Tom's life and afterlife is that we live in the world that our life experiences have created in our minds. No matter what our true reality is, our spirit cannot escape the scope of understanding that our minds possess, however great or limited. Tom had it all, looks, health, intelligence, opportunity, love, financial and social success, and respect, but nothing could alter what he thought of himself. He went to see several mental health professionals and came home to tell me they didn't understand.  Mental illness reminds me of that old saying: none are so blind as they that won't see. 
If there is reincarnation, I wonder if it isn't to give us our chance to live a fuller life, one more in keeping with our true spiritual potential, one where the circumstances of our life don't destroy us. Tom's spirit was damaged by destructive childhood abuse. Maybe it was his soul's purpose to live that life as best he could, or maybe he will come back and try again to align his self realization, his pleasure and his achievements into one happy life experience. I have had a couple of dreams that seem to imply we lead many lives. But, if there are lives that are just a bowl of cherries, I haven't seen them.



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